In my last post I mentioned how I was struggling with the balance of my desires and how I want my ambitions to flourish from a place of passion instead more than reward.
But to be honest, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life 99% of the time. Sometimes I feel alive and other times, more than most, I feel I have placed myself in a routine because I feel I've failed at the other things I have pursued.
I've read and agree with the philosophy that failing over and over is actually a success and the character needed to be a true entrepreneur. Right now I feel I am stuck in a place of fear of failing again-but my soul beckons me so often whispering words like risk, adventure, independence and invention.
My soul is crying out to me, but I've tuned out it's voice so it decided to scream at me and make me completely restless. Thank you soul.
I am a woman of ambition and invention and when I am not in a place that heightens and supports this it's like chopping off the head of a flower or moving an outstretching bud into darkness. It suffocates me.
Sometimes, we need to slow down and take a look at our lives and not make excuses for denying our passions. These are my excuses right now: Money. Support. Community. Disappointing others. Past failures. Even writing them down feels pathetic because I know that the worst thing that could happen is I quit my job, lose a reliable check and a couple friends. But the truth is if I were honest with myself I really don't believe things could be different.
Honestly, I am not sure what to do with myself right now. It comes in cycles and every time I enter in I convince myself this time it will be different. Here's my cycle:
I'm not sure when this cycle will break, but I do know that I need to commit to an idea and pursue it without the "Feel like a failure" phase sucking me back in. I cannot let myself enter "The Cycle of Passion Killing" anymore.
Right not I am in the "Get sick of having a job" phase. For me, "The Cycle of Passion Killing" averages from 3-5 months. How do you kill an entrepreneurial spirit? You can't. Nearly impossible unless you want to live a life of no happiness, no passion, no adventure and most of all-no life.
So.... what now? I am asking myself the same thing. I wanted to write this mainly to help me process what's going on, but also to reach out to others like me for support and encouragement. What would you do in my place? How do you keep yourself from entering "The Cycle of Passion Killing"?
We shall see what is next on this adventure of life! I have ideas and other things I am pursuing right now aside from my 9-5 and next time I get to the "No immediate results" phase I am going to do whatever it takes to break out of this cycle and enter in the Passion cycle of awesomeness!
That's all for now folks. No real call to action really. Mainly just an update on how I'm feeling in life right about now. I hope this reaches some of you and calls you to action to live out a life of passion, purpose, and meaning- in whatever way that relates to you in your own Cycle of Passion Killing.
It is time to break free family!
